Sebastian Bach (vocals)

There will indeed be some monkey business going on as the former leader of Skid Row takes over the microphone for Diamondbag. Sebastian’s awe-inspiring ego and banshee-like wail make him a natural choice to replace that prima donna Gary. Word is that Gary is forming a new George Michael cover band that he hopes to debut somewhere in Oak Lawn this fall. Goodbye and good riddance to that loser—Diamondbag can now ROCK again!

Michael Anthony (bass guitar)
Van Halen may have screwed him out of their lucrative reunion tour, but Diamondbag has welcomed Mike with open arms. After all, no one hits one note over and over again on the bass while chugging Jack Daniels quite like Mike. Take your whiskey home, indeed!



Peter Criss (drums)
In the words of the inimitable Peter Griffin, "Nobody wants to be Peter Criss—not even Peter Criss!" Which, of course, makes Peter a natural to take over the drum throne for Diamondbag. He and the boys will be playing . . . all night . . . all niiiiiggggggghhhhttttttttt . . .

Jerry Garcia (guitar)
There’s more to this man than ice cream! His fine improvisational skills (i.e., the man has never practiced a day in his admittedly-over life) make him an ideal fit for Diamondbag. Don’t let the fact that Jerry supposedly died like 10 years ago frighten you—LSD happens to double as an amazing preservative.

John Tesh (keyboards)
Hey, he’s all we could get, okay? Give the man a break. He had to deal with that bitch Mary Hart for like ten years, so he doesn’t need any of your shit right now.

Britney Spears (backing vocals)
Yeah, Britney — we're not very happy about it, either.